Hidden Honesty

Dearest Jesus,

I know that I can’t hide anything from You – I can’t conceal my thoughts, I can’t hide the intents of my heart and I definitely can’t fake my feelings. More than this I know: “You desire truth in the inward parts” (Psalm 51:6, NKJV). I guess there’s no beating around the bush, but I trust that You can appear to me in flames of fire from within the bush and surprise me like You surprised Moses (Exodus 3). So, I’m putting my heart on paper and I’ll be honest and real, because I know that’s the only way that You can heal.

In the past month or more, so much has changed. The plans that I had are now in the past and the future I favoured is now nothing but a fragile thought. I’ve had to forfeit things that I supposed I loved and I’ve had to say goodbye to places that had a special place in my heart. In a short space of  time everything I knew had been stripped away and the newness of it all left me in a state of total disarray. I was challenged with difficult decisions I had to make that would change the course of my life if I made a mistake. The worst part was that I couldn’t feel You anymore, like somehow You just left me on this threshold knocking at the door. My stability was shaken leaving me with withered faith on a frail foundation without perspective on my current situation. 

Deep within me I knew that You would never leave me, so I did what I knew was best – a soul-search truly put my faith to the test. I also came to the conclusion that this was the reason for my writing-block – writing requires complete honesty and the verge of truth is where I wanted to stop. It’s not that I wasn’t honest when I wrote in the past, but I couldn’t write, because I refused to acknowledge what was hidden deep in my heart. Jesus, I realise now that You were with me all along and in the transition You protected me from what You knew would be wrong. The problem wasn’t You that stopped speaking, but it was rather me that kept protesting against what I knew was true; I hid my honesty to hide from You. 

The words of the psalmist resonates within my soul: “You desire truth in the inward parts and in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom” (Psalm 51:6). As much as I want to hide what challenges me, I know that it is inevitable that You will see. There are so many repugnant parts in my soul that I don’t want to face, but the only way for You to heal is for me to be completely real. Just like David knew what he did was wrong, I too am aware of my faults and flaws. Honesty is what You desire, and I call it hidden honesty, because it’s those things that we ourselves know of but don’t even want to see. So often I want to hide what I already know; so often I only want to obey You when it’s convenient and in my comfort zone, but as I’ve seen this past month – it was solely in my honesty that Your glory shone. 

Father, I’m dealing with trauma from the past, trying to hide it but I just can’t. I have sinful ways that I struggle to say goodbye to and I wrestle with thoughts that are planting thorns in my mind and these are but a few of the plenty hidden honesties that I could find. At the mention of these things I struggle to believe that I know You at all, but then Your Holy Spirit reminds me that I do and that the time I spent in Your presence is not lost at all. In fact, it’s because You love me so much that honesty is stirred by Your gentle healing touch, letting in the light to seep through the cracks in my soul, flowing like sweet honey to mend and to make me whole. 

So Jesus, I trust You in this transition phase of my life, that even though I’m weak Your strength will reign in me and that You will give me wisdom in exchange for my open honesty. Father, I would lie if I said this process is easy for me, but I’ve seen Your faithful hand holding my heart so I will drink of the Living Water You offer to all, to be refreshed with Your fire as the Holy Spirit calls.  Jesus give me confidence and courage to bring to You my hidden honesties, to run to You, the Everlasting Father who alone can set me free. You are Emmanuel, You are God with me, and in the strangeness of the newness I know You are here with me, leading the way and standing right beside me. It’s never being honest that’s hard, it’s making right what is wrong, but I know You are the Prince of peace, the stillness in the storm. 

Jesus I pray that Your Holy Spirit will write on the tablet of my heart and remove anything from my life that will keep us apart. Let these words be sung over every soul that perhaps may be struggling with hidden honesties that are spiralling out of control. Remind them that You are the Healer, the Provider and the Banner of love covering them, You are more than a feeling and I pray, make Your presence so real to them.

Love

Annaliese

3 Thoughts

  1. Awesome Annaliese!
    Never stop writing and I can really hear your heart and cry AND SO DOES OUR GOOD FATHER!! He IS the truth, the life and door!
    Surely this writing bless so many people and help them to open the hidden honesties to perfect healing. We are all struggling with it!
    Stay blessed!

    Like

  2. I cried all through your song … thank you. I guess I was meant to see your Love Letter and hear your song. I will pass it on to my daughter who is on drugs but keeps her heart open to God and myself. I pray every day that she will receive his good Graces and give her life to Him.

    Like

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